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Hi, I am having a very difficult time finding anything on the internet regarding this topic. Am I the ONLY one this has happened too?? Please if anybody knows someone who has this same situation please post back. My husband and I are divorced and ironically my child's birthFather came into the picture which was perfect timing for my child who has been begging to see someone from his birthfamily. He is 10 years old. And if very sentimental, loving and I knew out of my 3 children that he would be the one seeking out his birthfamily. We have had extremely open adoptions with all 3 kids. I love adoption and it's my heart. Whath happened with my son's birthFather was a surprise and certainly unexpected. Who would have thought that we both would not be involved in a relationship at the time of our first meeting at our age in life??! But it was and we had an instant connection, unlike anything I have ever had before. He's a beautiful man and we get along so well. My ex-husband (my son's adoptive dad) has been struggling with this and thinks that it's damaging to our son. The only thing that I have seen damaging is the fact that he doesn't allow our son to love his birthFather or even talk about him. He's pushing him away in that sense. They have never been bonded like my son and me, and his birthFather and him had an immediate bond that was so special. His birthFather does not want to interfere with our son's relationship with his adoptive dad and doesn't. Sort of like a step-parent, but with a unique bond. I have seen my son go from a boy that disrespected me, hit me, was unhappy and crying all the time because he wanted to have someone from his birthfamily in his life....to a boy that respects me now, is very happy to have his birthDad in his life, very. Anybody ever heard of this happen before? Again, we wern't looking for this relationship, it just happened and I'm loving it and I'm loving his influence in our lives. He's a great man. Thanks,

Hello,

My, you are very brave to put this question out there in the universe.  For starters, you most definitely are NOT alone!  I haven't seen this problem often, but I have helped families who experienced this dilemma. 

I think I can help you.  Of course, whatever I say is preliminary and tentative since I don't know you or have enough details.  However, having said that, I treat this situation as I would any stepfamily.  Execpt, in your case, you are a stepfamily with a little "side story."  Here are some guidelines that also serve as smart advice for all step families and adoptive parents.

 

1.  In general, it's not necessarily the situation that is the problem--it's how the parents handle things.  For example, there are many divorced couples who manage co-parenting quite well. 

2.  Consequently, your first step is for you and your ex-husband to work as a team in raising your (adoptive) son.  Your ex is still the child's caregiving father.  He helped raise him--even if you don't care for his approach. (From your information, I'm assuming there has not been any abuse.)  Regardless of his adoptive father's personality, your son still has retained feelings about him.  Do not prevent your son from seeing the man who raised him.  And don't bad-mouth your ex.  If you and your ex cannot agree on key issues, such as your son knowing and having contact with his biological father, seek professional help.

3.  My take on this situation so far is that you got married, had children, got divorced and now found love with another man.  When you see it in that light, it is a situation that is extremely common to many families today.  The goals are to raise your children well, work with your ex and only involve your new partner in the life of your children and family life in general when you know that the relationship with this new man is healthy, kind, mature and stable. 

4. Children can adapt to new family members as long as the  person has a clear role in the family.  For example, if the new man is just mom's next boyfriend, then children get confused:  Should I bother gettting close to man number 9--or is he just going to up and leave too?  Your best strategy for the sake of your son's is to limit how much you bring this man into your family life until you know the romantic relationship has a solid and healthy future.  When in doubt, again, seek professional help.

5.  You said you and your ex agreed to open adoption.  This concept usually refers to letting a child over the age of 18  learn  about the biologicial  parents.  Your situation is very different. You have made the decision for your son to know his biological father.  Your information seems to indicate that your son really likes being with his biological father--which is most likely positive for your son. 

6.  However, try to evaluate if this biological father is going to be around and not just disappear if you and this man break up.

7.  Fathers who become ex-spouses/partners often get very jealous when a new man/husband comes into the picture.  The ex often feels displaced, undervalued and competitive.  When partners re-marry, the ideal situation is to have all parental figures work together.  Hah!  Wouldn't it be great if they could!  If you have custodial rights of your children, then you might have an edge on decision-making.  Ex husbands often have greater feelings of jealousy when the child is a boy.  Assure your ex that he has a role in his son's life.  Since you know your son and ex best, talk with your new man and possibly with a professional about your decisions regarding including both men.

8.  Make sure your new man is fatherly to the other adoptive children you have.  The other children might feel jealous that they didn't get a seemingly magical wish to meet a "better" father. 

I hope this information is helpful.  I would really seek professional help.  Call various therapists in your area and ask them about their areas of expertise.  Wait until you hear words such as "familes, stepfamilies, divorced couples," etc.  If you don't have the available funds, check out organizations such as Catholic Charities or Jewish Family Services.  You don't have to be of the particular religion to use their help.

Thank you for contacting me. 

Fondly, LB

 

You stated that your baby boomer clients experienced a late sexual blooming typically did so after they wiped the slate clean with a new relationship. Any results with couples you have worked with and they stayed together? Or is divorce and widowhood the only events to free my wife emotioally. We have made our sex arena a place where anger,hurt and disappointment by withholding,turning off,or turning out as you stated.

Hello,

Great question.  A person doesn't have to have a major life event kickstart them into changing behavior, but these events certainly tend to increase motivation.  But don't despair, there are ways to refresh your relationship. 

1.  Get some sexual counseling as soon as possible.  The bedroom is no place for a battleground.  Often, couples play out pent up feelings about the relationship in the bed.

2.  Create a renewing ritual where you can announce clear changes in your behavior.  Go to a favorite restaurant, for example.  Or order flowers, light a candle, buy a card or write your own newing voes.

3.  Announce that you are starting the clock with now.  The past is the past. 

4.  Read some books about renewing your sex life. Write down the suggestions that you feel most comfortable with.  Pick a few and then ask your partner which one to begin with.

I hope this information is a good beginning for you.

Best of luck, LB

 

I have an adult, professional daughter. She is single and has a very good job with a major brokerage house. The problem is she has really started ignoring my wife and me and her sisters. She is the oldest and has always been defensive. I say it's because her real mother died when she was nine. I married several years later and had two more daughters--who adore their oldest sister. (We don't use words like half-sister.) Everyone is equal in our family. I keep calling her, asking about her, but she only calls us when she needs something and never asks about us. Recently, my own sister had serious surgery, but our oldest daughter never called to see how her aunt or I were doing. We are all upset about this. What should we do? Signed, Mr. Bright

Hello, Mr. Bright,
There are many reasons why adult children use defensiveness and emotional distance with their families.  You hit on two key  elements:  1)The early death of a parent can often leave children terrified of any more unhappy endings.  These children often live with perpetual armor against the uncertainties in life.  2)  Remarriage and the births of more siblings--especially siblings the same sex as the children from the previous marriage--can spark fear of not being loved equally.  Even in loving families, children from previous marriages can act as though there is a competition for love.    Regardless of your daughter's reasons, the best way to handle it is not to be so willing to accommodate all her needs when she calls you.  It seems she has one foot in adulthood and one in adolescence--a common characteristic of many adult children these days.  Unless her requests are emergencies, don't be in such a hurry to fulfill her needs.  Continue to inform her via email about family events and invite her to all family ocassions.  Don't lecture.  Highly defensive children do not respond well to being confronted.  They often have limited ability to handle insight.  See what happens in about two months time.   If there is no change, please get back to me.
My best to you, LB  

need help very jealous?

HI,

Feelings of jealousy are red flags for any or all of the following: insecurity, fundamentally feeling unlovable or not good enough.  Since we were not hatched, it's a good bet that these problems originated in your family.  For example, was one of your parents very critical?  Had unrealistic expectations?  Didn't respect you and your different talents? 

Well, you can't change your past--but you can change how you think about these family messages.  First, tell yourself that these family messages are about your parents--and not about you.

Secondly, tell yourself not to believe them.

Thirdly, remind yourself daily of your good characteristix and why you are someone who deserves love.

Fourthly, stop the Spanish Inquisition of your partner.  Don't hover, overparent or interrogate. 

Fifth, ask yourself:  Is my partner doing things that just about anyone would question?  Remember, it takes two. 

Ask yourself how long you want to torture yourself with doubt.  Sometimes, doubt has a way of preventing someone from being intimate.  It's an artificial hurdle.  However, bear in mind that some partners invite mistrust.  Ask yourself how trustworthy your partner is regarding maturity and honesty.

Practice "biting your tongue" and avoiding inquisitions and see what happens.  When in doubt, seek counseling. 

Hope this infomation was helpful.  LB

 

 

 

Fallen Hero. Your article about Gold Star Families is an interesting thought process - I'd like to know who and how many real Gold Star Families have you spoken to in order to obtain your facts for this article. Interested Marine Mom Forever!

Hello,

I have worked with many, many families from different wars.  I am not sure which article you are referring to.  I am happy to talk to you if you like.  Thank you for contacting me--and thank you for being a Marine Mom.  Most fondly, LB

Insecure boyfriend. Hi. I am dating a man who asks me a lot if I like him. He's been hurt a lot in the past and I've been too. He is a real gentleman and pulls my seat out at the table in restaurants and won't let me get out of the car until he comes to my side. But lately he's been a little short and abrupt with me. I have this feeling he's just insecure. We've been dating six weeks, but I have this feeling something is wrong. Am I right? P.

Hello,

I think you're on to something about your boyfriend's insecurity.  Everyone needs to hear "I love you" from their partner, but that doesn't mean you should turn into a self-esteem machine for him.  We've all been hurt in love. His warning lights are flashing. 

The combination of his high needs for assurance, his moodiness and his overly-courtly behavior signal a man who could easily turn mean and controlling. It's very easy for women to be wowed by good manners these days--so few men have them.  But the base of his excessive old-fashioned courtliness may not be respect for you and womanhood.  Instead, it might the other way around.  He treats you in the beginning like a princess, but he secretly expects his princess to treat him like a king. 

Soon, his royal actions will include your remaining the "little lady/damsel in distress" forever.  His lack of kindness toward you already indicates that his royal needs come first.  If there's an increase in his temper and negativity. flee the castle.  Hope this information helps.  Thank you for contacting me.  LB

Sharing household workload? We both work 40 hours, and my husband does all the yardwork, car repairs, and other maintenance, but I cannot get him to help me with the housework. He says doing these chores should offset me doing the housework alone. What can I do?

Hi.  Thanks for your great questions--which is actually one of the more frequent problems of working couples.  Here are some suggestions--and a warning.

1.  Pick the three top tasks that you dislike the most about household chores.  Then, show the list to your husband and ask him which one of these he would most like to do.

2.  Ask him to list the top three things that he dislikes the most about his chores.  Have him show you his list, and you pick which one you are willing to do--or learn to do.

3.  You can both change your choices by making sure you tell your spouse rather than get moody or upset.

Now here's the warning.  Even when women get their partners to help out with household chores, they are STILL unhappy.  Why?  There really is no mystery about it.  Sometimes, women speak in emotional "code."  What they are REALLY complaining about is how they feel they must carry the responsibility for the emotional management of the relationship.  So, ask yourself:  Am I unhappy about my partner's lack of emotional support, communication or tone?  Do I feel that he is tuned out to me and the children?  

If you answered yes to these questions, then sit down with your partner and tell him that you have a new plan to address this important issue.  It's very easy to do:  Each person MUST be responsible for ASKING and TELLING each other about problems.  If something is on your mind, TELL.  If you notice something is bothering your partner, ASK.  

Try these techniques.  Good luck.  Thank you for contacting me.

I know times have changed, but I’m still having trouble adjusting to the idea that it’s okay to sleep with a guy on a first date. Can you help me?

Just like Dorothy in the movie “The Wizard of Oz,” you’ve had your own red shoes-solution on you the whole time:  Your emotional cues.  The fact that you are “still having trouble adjusting” to a widespread dating behavior is a warning sign that this behavior does not fit into your values and character.  So, pay attention to that warning.

 
I will give you my observations about my clients’ reactions to sex-too-soon at the end of this answer.  But, for now, let’s look at the rapidly changing culture about women and sex today.

 
For women especially, sexual behavior tends to be highly personal.  Now women have sex for a range of “reasons,” ranging from feeling lonely, wanting experience or adventure, wanting to let a guy know you generally like him and, finally, to loving him. 

 
“Hooking up” tends to be just one of several activities to do with a man.  In high school, for example, young women gain popularity and social acceptance by having sex or giving oral sex. 

 
However, as a woman matures and gains life experiences, she learns what works for her and what doesn’t.  Respect the list of “NO’s” that you are establishing in you about sex.  Respect yourself by respecting your personal meaning about sex.

 
If you look at the above discussion, however, you will note that I have used the words “tends to” in discussing women’s sexual behavior.  In over thirty years of counseling women—in all kinds of situations and relationships—I’ve learned that women want meaningful sex in long-term, trusting relationships. 

 
Too many times, my women clients have come home from a “fling” in Cancun and then spent weeks by the phone or email, waiting to hear from a man whom they knew well in advance would not follow up. 

 
Don’t be fooled by the social bravado and seeming carefree words and behavior of many of these women.  They are often not free at all.  Instead, they are hiding—or running from—their own strong needs to attach, care and be cared for.

 
So, listen to yourself.  Learn about yourself.  Respect your own emotional rules and limits.
 

I have been married for only two and a half years, but already I see a problem that I didn’t see before. My husband is suffocating me.

You are not alone. ALL long-term couples have to deal with managing the space between the two extremes of “Time Alone” and “Time Together.”

It seems that we each have a highly personalized “comfort zone” along the continuum of these two extremes. This comfort zone isn’t something that we usually think about it. It’s just there. We do, however, think about it when differences in compatibility arise.

Comfort zone problems don’t usually emerge for newly-wed because their “love-chemicals” in their brains are still ruling. After the “high” levels off, it’s easier to observe the differences—if there are any. In fact, some couples have said to me: I can’t believe how compatible we are. We even like to be apart and together for the same amount of time.”

Because couples often unknowingly choose each other because of this embedded compatibility, they often have minimal problems in managing the “together-not-together” continuum.

Even though you feel emotionally crowded now, you still might have a shared comfort zone of togetherness. Here are two suggestions to think about. Perhaps these will spark some other solutions. Remember, every situation is different.

1. Become a “relationship sleuth.” Ask yourself: Other than being married, what has changed? Have important events occurred that might account for this change? For example, did one parent become ill or die? Do you have children? Has one of you had to relocate to a new area? Is one of you beginning a new career?  Starting school?   Join the armed forces? Has one of you been ill? In your mind, run a two-year film of your lives and see what events you would add.

2. Talk it out and get solution-oriented and not blame-oriented. Rehashing the past does not usually yield results. If you can’t come up with a plan, seek professional help. And don’t give up hope—this problem can usually be solved.

 

I'm jealous

Hello,

Jealousy is a monster that eats your soul.  If your partner has not given you solid reasons to doubt her--such as cheating and lying--then the reason that monster has roared most likely began in you.  Jealousy is often a symptom of deep fears of insecurity and unlovability.  People get that way when one or more of their parents were too critical, rejecting and perfectionistic.  

Other causes are fear of intimacy. Previous bad love experiences taint your view of love, women and relationships.  One way to keep your heart at a distance and seemingly protect it is to let something--like jealousy--become a roadblock.  Over time, you will start to feel detached from the relationship and then fight or drift apart and then break up because you don't feel close!  Yes--you end up creating the very thing you wanted to avoid.

Try these tips: 

1.  Spend part of a day being jealous and see how it feels, what it causes you think and do.

2.  A few days later, spend part of that day PRETENDING that you can trust your girlfriend.

When those bad thoughts and feelings start, say to yourself OUT LOUD:

 "These feelings probably don't belong to me.  They most likely came from negative views of me that came from my family.  I don't have to believe them any more.  They weren't about me--they were about them."

Stay in touch and let me know what happens.

Fondly, LB

Stay or Go. I have been married 27 years. Two children still live at home.

HI,

So sorry you're in that "stay or go" mode. It's tough. Of course, I don't have enough info to really advise you, but here are some thoughts.

1. Men are lookers. They're heads seem to turn whether they want them to or not. Most of the time, it's just that--looking and feeling a momentary jolt.

2. Business trips with enticements? Unfortunately, it's all too common. But, once again, not all men pluck the fruit. In fact, it's usually the same guys on these business trips who fall for that mix of temptation and fantasy.

3. So, now, ask yourself OUT LOUD: "If I took the looking or my fears of his cheating off the table, what else would make me want to leave?" Also ask yourself OUT LOUD: "Other than his providiing the main income, what DID I like and love about him when we married?" "What are his good qualities now?"

4. In the meantime, have you developed any interests or training outside the home?

Think about these things. Feel free to get back to me with your thoughts and reactions. I am happy to help.

Fondly, LB

How can I make my husband stand up for me when his mother and other people criticize me?

Unfortunately, the married Mama’s Boy is alive and well. And what does he have to do with intrusive mothers-in-law? Well, women married to this kind of man already know the answer: He rarely stands up for his wife when his mother criticizes her. And if he can’t defend his turf at the source of the problem, then he will most likely have trouble managing criticism of his wife from other people.

 

Criticizing and generally trying to control things are the hallmark of these mothers. They have an opinion about everything—and they get hurt, angry and/or persistent when they don’t get their way. Why?  

Before I provide you with some suggestions, let’s look at what makes many of these mothers tick.

 

This kind of mother usually has a long history of being disappointed in their husbands. The son is usually “anointed” to be the kind of man she wished she had chosen. The mother puts all the eggs of her hopes and dreams into her son’s basket. When the son doesn’t turn out exactly as she planned—including marrying the kind of girl she thinks he should marry—then the mother feels diminished and depressed. 

 

Secretly, she wonders: “What did I do wrong?” She has based her self-worth on the successful completion of her most important project in life, so it devastates her that it didn’t turn out as planned. 

 

The mother is often so lonely that she also hoped that her son would live close by so that she can continue to rely on their relationship to fill the holes in her life. 

 

Once a daughter-in-law understands that the criticism is how the mother expresses her own life disappointments, it is sometimes easier to manage the intrusiveness and negativity. Smart daughters-in-law know that the comments are NOT about her. 

 

Women married to this kind of man, however, build their own pile of disappointments about their husbands. These men usually start out as kind, but soon the wife learns that his kindness conceals a fear of not pleasing others. Problems arise when the husband fails to defend his wife. So, what can you do about it?  

Here are some tips. Not all of them will apply to your situation, but these suggestions will give you an idea about how to approach this difficult problem.

 

1. On a scale of 1-10, tell your husband how hurt you are when he didn’t defend you in a particular incident. Tell him you are not blaming him--after all, it’s not easy for him to change years of his mother’s behavior and feelings. 

2. Get solution-oriented rather than re-hashing the past. Let your husband know what you’d like him to do. For example, make a list of the most hurtful events.

3. REHEARSE with your husband how he will handle communicating this issue with his mother.

4. If face-to-face contact makes your husband babble, then suggest that your husband e-mail his mother. Regardless of which approach you use, try to restrict this communication to about 3-5 sentences. Don’t accuse or go over things. Use your solutions to set “ground rules.”

5. “Ground rules” might consist of a change in holiday visits or what to bring your children. 

6. Develop a few “tried-and-true” things that your husband can say to your mother-in-law or other hurtful people in defense of you. You don’t have to get fancy. A few sentences such as “Mom, my wife worked very hard at this.” Or, “We like to keep things positive in this house.”

7. A more advanced approach that works is to compliment the offending person for her opinion. You then embed in your remark what you would like the person to say.  

For example, try saying something like this: “What I like about you mom is that you feel comfortable enough with us to speak your mind. So I know you’d like to add the other half to that thought: ‘My wife is also an excellent mother.’”

 (Or whatever positive sentence applies to the situation.)

 

Why should you try to be so kind to such unkind people? Because this approach allows the offending person to save face, it increases greatly the chance that she/he will be kinder in the future. It also gives the person a clear “script” of what to say next time. 

 

1. Support your husband in making a major change in how he communicates with his mother. You might, over time, see improvements in how he manages other people such as bosses. 
   

2. Don’t let your husband’s difficulties in this area determine whether you should love him. Don’t become part of the problem by criticizing him. Help him grow.

3. Finally, remember that all important changes in life take time. Don’t measure success in weeks but rather in seasons.