It’s nearing the end of the year, and you know what that means—making New Year’s resolutions. I’ve gone on record not to make resolutions in January for the whole year. It’s too easy to lose motivation. But I do recommend that you test your resolve, motivation and realistic assessment of one or two resolutions on a monthly basis. Most resolutions get broken before Valentine’s Day.
Typical resolutions are to lose weight, clean the closets, save more money or look for a better job. The women in my study, however, made love resolutions. If you decide to focus on your love situation, here is a list of the worst and best love resolutions.
The Three Worst Love Resolutions
1. Find Mr. or Ms. Right. Setting your goal to look for The One or your Soul Mate is a sure way not to find that person. You’ll end up lonelier and unhappier than you started. Why? Well, for starters, there is no perfect person. The feeling of being with a great match is a state of mind that most often evolves and grows over time.
It’s easy to fall for the belief that if you aim for finding The One, you won’t have to worry about making a mistake in judgment—or settling.
Looking for this perfect person is a form of self-protection against getting hurt or rejected—or facing your emotional shortcomings and problems. As long as you can’t find this perfect person, you don’t have to face you.
2. To put all your eggs in your work basket. This resolution makes sense to you if you’ve been burned by love. You devote your energy and time to your career. But all work and no play not only create a dull person, but it also creates an emotionally vulnerable person with decreasing meaningful social connections.
Then one day life takes a bad turn, and you find yourself facing seriously challenging problems such as illness or loss of home and job. Suddenly, you feel alone and scared. The feelings of isolation, loneliness, depression and disappointment in love rise above your water line, and they lead you into foolish love behavior such as being “swept away” by another unwise choice of partner.
3. To give up emotionally on your current relationship. Pulling your heart out of your current relationship to guard against your disappointment in your partner is another bad resolution. Yes, it’s true that not all unhappy relationships can be improved or left, but, for the most part, giving up on your relationship can lead you down a dangerous path of drugs, affairs, alcohol, serious depression—and a sustained negative view of you. Your feelings of guilt and negative view of you intensifies, and soon these feelings become a barricade against effective emotional self-examination. You also risk leaving a terrible legacy and role model for your children about love and emotional cowardice.
The Three Best Love Resolutions
1. To be open to love. Daily opportunities for love are all around you. The women in my study made Personal Love Pacts to take action to use this opportunity. For example, they vowed to talk to every person who interested them at the grocery store, dry cleaners, restaurants, events, movies and all the many places where you stand in line or cross paths. It’s not that difficult. Just strike up an appropriate conversation such as: “Have you ever eaten these before?” Or, “Are you familiar with this play?” Recruit your friends to go with you or to be available for text messages of encouragement. Some of the women formed Brave in Love groups where they met later to tell their stories and to cheer on others.
2. To make time to date. Make your life fuller and richer. As Daisy, the woman who raised me, always said: “Don’t volunteer to close a door.” If you’ve been burned by love in the past, it’s most likely due to not knowing how to read people, and not being able to date against the usual kind of person who appeals to you. More of the same will only produce more of the same problems. Forget the idea of chemistry in the beginning. Use dating as your course in testing your assessments of people and in learning about you.
3. Focus on rekindling your existing relationship. Yes, people change over the years. And, yes, some relationships such as abusive ones may not be able to grow. Or, perhaps you were too young or distressed when you chose this person. Still, there might be something worth rescuing. Do you really want to go to your grave thinking that you never tried, never faced you, never left a good role model for your children or never gave your partner a chance? But for many relationships there is still hope. After all, most likely you weren’t crazy when you chose this person. Could there be something good and worth saving? And how about modifying your view of what constitutes Mr.or Ms Right?
Here are some tips to help you rekindle your love. Read books about relationships. Get professional help. Make a list of the good qualities about your partner and what attracted you to this person in the first place. Look at your own behavior and ask yourself how you might be part of the problem. Work together to focus on solutions rather than on blame.
Thank you for stopping by. Please write you own story or Like this blog. To learn more about me and my research-based, self-help books for women, “Smart Relationships: How Successful Women Can Find True Love” and “The Love Adventures of Almost Smart Cookie,” please go to my website, www.lovevictory.com. Please follow me on Twitter @LeslieBethWish and on Facebook at lovevictory. Thank you.
